I am humbled...

In July 2014, Westin and I went on a backpacking trip. It was suppose to be 30 miles over three days, from Silverton, Colorado to Lake Vallecito, CO, where Westin grew up.
We had everything planned out, food, water, maps, clothes for unpredictable weather at 12,000ft, you name it! Westin is an experienced backpacker and knows a good deal about the pastime.
We left early, excited, everything was all planned out so we would have enough time each day for our mileage.
The first part of the hike was suppose to be the most difficult. The steepest inclines and a couple river crossings, but after the first four miles, we would be hiking in the alpine tundra at high altitude, but with very little variance.
Well we got past those first four miles and it was beautiful!

High mountain lakes, jagged peaks all around us….and an approaching lightning storm.
I’m not sure if you’ve ever been at 10,000ft during a thunderstorm, but I hadn’t before and let me tell you that I don’t ever want to again.
We immediately looked for the lowest spot and frantically put up our tent. We got in our sleeping bags and hunkered down, listening to thunder crash and bang around us. Being able to see the lightning flash through the tent walls and seeing our hair stand straight up (literally), we were both scared.
As a side note, 2014 was one of the deadliest years in Colorado for lightning strikes and we were pretty positive we would be going into that statistic.
Anyway, it was close to two hours that we waited out the storm, it kept circling back above us and just when we thought we would be okay to pack up, we would run back into the tent.
At that point, we had to make a decision, do we continue on with the trip and try to cover the miles in less time? We had be delayed by close to three hours by the time the storm passed and we were ready to be on the move again.
After some debate and guilt and sadness, we decided it was best if we didn’t continue.
We decided to spend the night close to one of the highland lakes and do some fishing and relax and in the morning, head back to the car and enjoy our weekend in Vallecito with Westin’s family.
So the next morning we packed up and headed back down the steep and rocky trail, crossed the rivers and cursed our packs that were loaded for a full weekend, not just an overnight trip.
We ended up having a wonderful weekend and have vowed to try the trip again, another summer.

Well in the whole process of hiking up and down the steep terrain with a backpack, I managed to hurt my knee. I’ll never know what exactly did it, running from the lightning or jumping down from a ledge with my pack on, but two days later, my knee was painful and swollen.
I’m lucky to have a stepdad who’s a chiropractor, because I went to him right away and asked if he could figure out what I had done. He adjusted my knee and said that maybe I had put my tibia slightly out of place and that I should take 6 weeks off exercising my legs and let it decompress and heal.
Well I did that and in the mean time, my knee would still randomly swell. When I continued exercising, it didn’t go very well either. I never felt any pain in the joint, nor did any movement in particular hurt my knee, it would just have an inflammatory response and swell up.
I have lived with my knee like this for over a year and I have never had an MRI to find out the real cause of my knee issues,  mostly because it’s costly and so is the subsequent surgery that most doctors prescribe. I took about 8 months total from training my lower body, for a while I tried in vain and finally learned that my knee just can’t handle it. I’ve used braces and creams and lasers, I’ve read books and tried stretching exercises, I’ve tried practically every “at-home” remedy I could get my hands on.

When my knee was feeling stable for an extended period of time, about two months ago, I decided I would try squatting again. Lower body training is my favorite and not being able to squat or deadlift was making me feel depressed. I used to gauge my strength and weight room prowess on how much I could squat.

I started out with two sets of 10 reps with only the 45lb bar once a week. To my surprise, no swelling and no pain. Yippee! It was a miracle!
Except my ego was bruised. I felt like such a non-gymgoer only squatting the bar. I wanted people to know and see that I am super strong and fit! That I am a girl who can squat more than her body weight and look how tough I am!
But I had to listen to my body. I needed to rest and give my knee time to strengthen, so I stuck with light weight once a week for a couple weeks and gradually added a little more each session. I was having good results (and still am!) and I was feeling more and more confident in my abilities.
I’m now up to squatting what used to be my warmup weight, which has me very pleased. I can’t do it for as many reps, but it’s progress and I’m trying my best to avoid re-injuring myself.

But this post isn’t about the backpacking trip, or the amount of weight I can squat. It’s about learning that the amount of weight I can move doesn’t define who I am. It’s been a humbling experience. Honestly, I’ve learned that no one gives a shit about what you can or cannot lift in the gym.
Duh! Everyone is there for themselves and are far too wrapped up in checking out their biceps in the mirror to see how much you’re squatting or benching.
I used to think that I was some sort of alpha chick in the gym when I would see guys squatting or deadlifting less than I could.
“I can lift more than that and I’m a girl!”

But that really doesn’t matter, now does it? Walking around the gym like some badass to watch out for doesn’t matter.
I can’t go around the gym nit picking everything that other people are doing. I don’t know anyone’s story or why they are doing what they do. Someone might be a beginner and not only has  no idea what to do in the gym, but is terrified to be there in the first place. Or they might be injured, like me, and on the road to recovery.
We all need to bring a little more humility into the gym.

Like Ice Cube said, “chickitty check yo self, befo you wreck yo self!”

Earlier in the week, I wrote about the comparison trap and getting down on yourself because of what someone else is doing or achieving.
It’s the same for getting down on yourself because you think others are judging what you’re doing.
Maybe it’s time we give ourselves and others the benefit of the doubt. You are trying your best and as far as you know, so is everyone else! We couldn’t possibly know every person’s personal circumstances or what motivates them to go to the gym.
You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. You do you.
As long as you are doing your best and working within your physical means, then no one else’s judgement matters. That’s a non-negotiable fact.

Being injured and losing the ability perform my favorite exercises was a tough experience to go through, but it helped me become more grounded. I’m grateful for the realization that the amount I can squat doesn’t make me better (or worse) than anyone else. It’s been a lesson in humility and a call to be more reflective.